"Dude, I don't know what's going on between you two, but stop staring at him all the time," Gary said, elbowing him. "It's getting obvious. And embarrassing."
Jim quickly averted his gaze. "Nothing is going on."
It was true. It’d been a week since Gary caught them making out, and Spock hadn't spared him even a glance ever since.
He wasn't sure what he’d done wrong.
Jim nearly groaned aloud at the thought. For crying out loud, what was wrong with him? He should have been ecstatic that all was finally going well: he and Kaildth had been growing closer, their conversations longer and more personal with each day. He was closer than ever to what he’d been wanting for ages. And yet here he was, thinking non-stop about that weirdo like a kicked, forgotten puppy, and whispering his name every time he jerked off.
Jim didn't remember the last time he’d been so worked up over someone. And they hadn't even had sex, for fuck's sake.
Maybe that was the problem.
Jim frowned, mulling the thought over. It made sense, in a fucked-up sort of way. Fighting this gut-wrenching want was useless—he’d always been spectacularly bad at self-control. He had to get under Spock, then get him out of his system and his life.
Jim ripped a piece of paper out of his notebook.
I want to have sexual intercourse with you. Wanna fuck?
Jim carefully folded the paper and tapped the shoulder of the girl sitting in front of him. She turned around and flashed him a smile. Jim smiled back. "Hey, Donna, could you give this to Spock?"
She frowned. "Spock?"
Jim pointed at Spock. "The guy over there. With the cheekbones and eyes."
She gave him a strange look but took the note. "Sure."
Jim watched her give it to another girl, pointing at Spock and saying, "From Jim Kirk."
He watched as the note was handed from one student to another until at last it reached Spock. He saw Spock stiffen when he was told it was from Jim. Spock looked at the folded paper for a few moments, his expression guarded, before finally unfolding it.
He saw Spock freeze, his shoulders tensing up. Spock didn't turn his head to look at him, though.
The rest of the class seemed to last forever.
Finally, the bell rang.
"You guys go ahead," Jim heard himself telling Gary and Rick. They nodded, though Gary gave Jim a speculative look before leaving with the others.
Jim remained in his seat, waiting for the classroom to empty. Though he didn't look at Spock, he heard him get up and head over to him. Slowly, Jim rose to his feet, as well.
Spock stopped only when their faces were inches away from each other. But it felt more like an intimidation tactic rather than anything else: Spock's jaw was clenched tightly, his eyes steely. "What is the meaning of this? Is it a joke?"
"No." Jim's heart raced. He licked his lips. "I want you. Wanna sleep with you."
He looked at Spock hopefully.
Spock didn't seem impressed, though.
Jim frowned, honestly having no idea what to do. He had never had to work hard to get laid. "Um, aren't you going to say anything? It's what you wanted, right?"
Spock eyed him for what felt like ages. Jim forced himself not to look at his lips. It was difficult.
"I do not understand you. A week ago, you wanted me to leave you alone, now you want the opposite."
Jim smiled ruefully. He didn't really understand himself either. He shrugged. "I guess I'm just spectacularly bad at denying myself things."
"I will have to decline, as I have no desire to engage in sexual relations with someone who is ashamed to be seen with me." Spock sounded like he was talking about the weather, but his tone was at odds with the intense emotion lurking in his eyes.
Jim sighed. "That's why you've been ignoring me, then. Look, it's not what you think. I'm not ashamed to be seen with you or anything."
Spock gave him a skeptical eyebrow.
"I'm really not. I just wasn't particularly comfortable with anyone seeing me with my legs hooked around you." Jim brushed his hair. "The thing is, I'm not exactly out of closet, though I'm not really in, either. Quite a few people here know I'm into guys, but no one’s actually seen me with one. Knowing and seeing are completely different things, you know? I don't want to be defined by my sexuality, so I try not to shove it into other people's faces." He met Spock's eyes. "I'm fucking scared, okay? I've never claimed to be an 'out and proud' kind of guy."
Spock nodded slowly, looking at him with a thoughtful expression. "I see."
"Is that a yes?" Jim said and, unable to stop himself, pressed his lips against Spock's, needy, and desperate, and hating it.
Spock turned his face away, not letting Jim kiss him. "What about that individual you claimed to love?"
"You said you weren't jealous." Jim tried to kiss him again, but the little fucker didn't let him.
"And I am not. You are nothing to me. I simply do not like being the second choice."
Jim made a frustrated noise. "Come on, why does it matter? Don't be such a girl, Spock. It's just sex. I want you, you want me. It's simple." He put a hand on Spock's chest.
Spock glanced at it. His face was blank, but his heart was beating rapidly under Jim's palm. "The answer is still negative." He put a hand over Jim's and, removing it from his chest, started turning away.
"You know what I think? I think you're a coward."
Spock stiffened before looking back at him. "Pardon?"
Jim's lips twisted. "You're scared, aren't you? Scared of getting attached."
"You are ridiculous."
Jim smirked. "Hit a bit too close to home?"
He grunted when Spock grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. "Do not assume you know me," he said into Jim's face, their mouths inches away. "You do not. You only see what you wish to see."
Jim wet his tingling lips, pressed his hips against Spock's, felt his arousal. "I see a guy whose cock I wanna suck."
Spock inhaled sharply, and then, finally, he was kissing him, all tongue and teeth, Spock's solid, warm body pressing against him, hard cock nudging his own through the layers of fabric, and fuck, Jim couldn't stand it anymore.
He tore his mouth away. "Where do you live?"
Spock lived too far, and they had to take a taxi.
The driver made some noise when Jim latched onto Spock's mouth the second they got inside, but when Spock threw a couple of bills at him, he shut up.
By the time the taxi stopped, Jim's shirt was halfway off and Spock's was unbuttoned to his navel, showing coarse black hair that Jim instantly wanted to bury his face against. They stumbled into Spock's apartment, mouths still locked together.
"Bedroom," Spock said, pushing him…somewhere. Jim didn't care where as long as Spock kept kissing him like that. They stumbled to the bed and fell, Spock's hard body pinning him to the mattress, their naked chests touching. Shit, so much skin, but still not nearly enough.
With joint effort and much fumbling, they got the rest of their clothes off and latched onto each other's mouths again, hands stroking and groping, kisses frenzied and needy, until Jim felt like he'd die from overstimulation.
"Fuck, enough," he said, squeezing Spock's leaking cock trapped between their bodies. It was velvety, hard, and perfect in his hand. Jim wanted it in him. "Let's fuck. Fuck me, come on. Let's fuck."
"Not yet," Spock said.
"Huh?" Jim said, blinking dazedly.
Spock rolled onto his back, settling against the pillows. He parted his knees and nodded towards his hard, swollen cock. "You may proceed."
Jim stared at him incredulously. "Are you kidding me? I'll blow you later. I'm fucking dying here."
Spock just looked at him. Then he raised an eyebrow.
"Fucker," Jim grumbled, crawling between his thighs. Leaning down, he swiped his tongue over the cockhead, closing his eyes at the familiar taste of aroused male. Normally sucking dick was one of his favorite activities, but at the moment he was too turned on to truly want it. He wanted to fuck, damn it, not this.
"Suck," Spock instructed, carding a hand through Jim's hair and pushing him down. Jim glared at him, but the clear order in his voice sent a surge of sickening excitement and dark arousal to his head, his dick, and his balls. With another sulky look, he did as told. Spock's cock stretched his lips wide, and Jim hummed appreciatively around it before settling into the familiar rhythm.
But just as he was really getting into it, Spock pulled him off his cock and pushed his face down towards his tiny wrinkled hole. Jim scowled. "I'm not gonna do it. I wouldn't be any good at it. I've never done this before." Other guys do it to me, not the other way around.
Spock studied him. "Such a spoiled creature. You will." His hand didn't apply any pressure to his head, but it seemed to weigh a ton nonetheless. Jim's breathing quickened and he suddenly felt lightheaded. As if in a dream, he found himself leaning in. Sloppily, he started licking Spock's asshole, pissed off for being denied what he wanted yet weirdly turned on at the same time. God, how sick was he that he was getting off on being forced to do things he didn't really want to do? He was one sick fuck.
Spock's small noises of approval made his gut coil in pleasure, his entire body weirdly warming at the thought of getting this right, and Jim delved in deeper, trying to get his tongue inside—something that always drove him crazy when he was the one being rimmed. His neglected asshole clenched at the thought. God, he wanted to fuck. To have a cock in him.
"Enough," Spock said, as if reading his thoughts, and reached to the nightstand for supplies.
"Finally," Jim grumbled and got on all fours, wishing as hell life was a fanfic and Spock's cock was self-lubricating so that they could go straight to fucking. But it wasn't, so he had to wait a few endless, agonizing minutes while Spock put a condom on and prepared them both.
"Come on, enough," he said when Spock slid a second finger in. He'd never been into fingering, always feeling like it was somehow inadequate, a pathetic imitation of the real thing. He wanted a cock. Wanted Spock's cock in him.
Jim let out a low moan when the cockhead touched his asshole. "Come on, c'mon," he demanded, spreading his legs wider.
But Spock didn't move.
Jim forced his eyes open and looked over his shoulder at Spock. Glared at him. "What the fuck are you waiting for?"
"Look at yourself," Spock said, voice slightly hoarse and eyes roaming all over his naked body, lingering on Jim's ass. "What would your beloved think of you if he saw you now? So eager, begging for my touch and penis?"
Jim smirked dazedly. "Not jealous at all, huh?"
Spock's jaw tightened. "No," he said and thrust in.
Groaning, Jim dropped his head on the mattress and concentrated on breathing as Spock pushed into him in small jerky moves until his cock was buried to the hilt, warm and pulsing inside him.
Closing his eyes, he let himself relax as Spock started fucking him with small grunts of pleasure. He didn't move with Spock, letting Spock do all the work, all his senses concentrated on the cock sliding in and out of him, filling, stretching him—god, so full. He'd never been so hard in his life. Something about being so passive, so pliant while he was thoroughly fucked was a huge turn on.
"Ah fuck," he moaned when Spock changed the angle and started directly hitting his prostate. It was too much. "Spock, no—don't. Too sensitive there. Just fuck me. Love feeling your cock in me." Spock complied, sliding his cock out before pushing back at another angle. "Yeah, like that. God."
"Do you intend to just lie here and let me do all the work?" Spock said into his ear, licking at it. His rhythm didn't falter, though.
"Kinda. You mind?"
"Not in particular, but you are proving the theory that the more attractive one is the more selfish one is in bed."
Jim groaned when Spock thrust in just so. "Thanks. It's always good to know that—ah—that my sexual partner thinks I'm pretty." Let him think I'm lazy and selfish in bed. It's better than the alternative.
Spock pulled out and slammed back in. "I wished to do this since I first saw you," he said against his ear. His breathing was considerably elevated, voice more emotional than ever. "Wished to bury myself in you." Another hard thrust. "I usually…steer away from the…from the likes of you, but you—there is something about you. I couldn't stop looking—and wanting." Spock bit him on the shoulder to muffle a growl.
God, he couldn't think when Spock fucked him like that. "C'mon, tell me more. Tell me how much you want me. Did you want me enough to do—to do something? Like, corner me somewhere and…" he trailed off, realized what he was saying.
Spock stopped moving, his whole body stiffening against him.
Jim licked his lips, heart hammering in his chest. "Go ahead, tell me I'm sick."
He was glad they weren't fucking face-to-face. He didn't want to see disgust in Spock's eyes.
"Such sexual fantasies do not make you sick," Spock said quietly. His voice sounded pained and he paused, taking a deep breath. It might have something to do with the fact that his cock was still buried in Jim. "Thoughts and sexual fantasies are not material. Acting on them is another matter entirely. I might have fantasized about forcing you to suck my penis while everyone listened to Professor Higgins' lecture, but it does not mean that I would have ever acted on those fantasies. Therefore, it is illogical to call anyone 'sick' based on their fantasies or 'kinks,' as some would put it."
Jim tried very hard not to fixate on the part about Spock forcing him to suck him off in class. "Really?" he said and cringed at the sound of his voice: too uncertain and vulnerable.
"Indeed," Spock said, burying his face against Jim's shoulder blades. He was breathing erratically and his cock was still hard as a rock in Jim's ass—and that was what convinced Jim of Spock's honesty. Spock wouldn't have stayed hard if he were repulsed by him.
"I have had a few fantasies of that nature as well," Spock said quietly, a hand stroking down Jim's back to cup his ass. He gripped it hard. "I used to watch your training sessions from the stands."
"Yeah? You watched me?"
"Yes," Spock said, licking the skin between his shoulder blades. His hips jerked slightly, as if out of their own volition. His grip on Jim's hip started to hurt, his voice becoming more strained with every word. "Your T-shirt would always cling to you after those sessions, becoming so transparent that I could see your nipples. You were always sweaty and flushed, and I could not stop looking at you, imagining what would it be like—" His voice cracked, and Spock's hips started moving again. "Sometimes I would imagine what would have happened if I followed you into the shower. You would not have heard me enter, as your back would be to me. I would have dropped to my knees behind you and forced my tongue inside you before you could even realize what was going on--"
Jim groaned, imagining that. He pushed back on Spock's cock. "Don't stop. Fuck me, come on. Harder."
Spock did, fucking into him with little care for Jim's pleasure, just selfishly taking his own.
And Jim totally lost it. His asshole protested being fucked so brutally, but he loved every second of it—loved being used, being held down, having no control whatsoever. Even the thought of what his teammates would say if they saw their captain now—taking it like a pro from a geek they didn't even know the name of—sent an insane thrill to his cock and his nuts.
"Please," he gasped when Spock changed his angle again and started repeatedly hitting his prostate. "No—no—stop." Too much. It was too fucking much. He didn't want this, couldn't stand this. "No--please."
"Your opinion wasn't asked," Spock said before biting him hard on the shoulder. He was slamming into Jim now, putting his whole weight behind his thrusts. Shit, it hurt, but it was a good kind of hurt, and Jim never wanted this to stop. He buried his face in the pillow, muffling his groans and whimpers. He'd never had sex so intense, and so invasive. Weirdly, he felt close to tears and had no idea why.
He lost track of time completely, unable to think, unable to talk, just wanting, and needing. When he came, it was with a half-sob, half-groan, his orgasm ripping through him and asshole clenching around Spock's cock hard. Spock thusted one, twice, and fell on top of him, breathing heavily.
"Holy shit," Jim croaked out, panting.
Jim wasn't an afterglow kind of guy. He'd never been one to snuggle after getting his rocks off. Usually, as soon as the other guy was out of him, he was up and about, and on his way to the exit.
So he couldn't explain why half an hour after the second round of sex, he was still lying on top of Spock, face buried in his chest hair.
It wasn't cuddling, dammit. He just didn't feel even the tiniest inclination to move. He felt…comfy and, good lord, safe.
The silence in the room was disturbed only by Spock's inhaling and exhaling.
"Quit smoking in bed. It's not sexy," Jim murmured, putting off the imminent freak out. He felt too nice and fucked out to properly freak out anyway. "And I'd never put you for a smoker."
"Using the word 'never' seems strange to me, as you didn't know of my existence until a few weeks ago," Spock said, his left arm still wrapped securely around Jim's waist.
Jim opened his eyes and looked up at him just as Spock took another drag from his cigarette, his eyes half closed.
Okay, maybe he’d lied a little: on Spock, smoking was kind of sexy.
It was an odd thought; many would probably call him crazy for thinking that. Spock wasn't really handsome in a conventional way: his face was too pale, his brows were too heavy, his nose wasn’t the straightest out there. But in combination with those deep dark eyes and high cheekbones, his features were…striking. And seeing him smoke was more than a little hot, too.
Spock opened his eyes and caught him looking.
Jim averted his gaze. Chuckled. "Oh I knew of your existence. How couldn't I, when you stared at me all the time? Creep."
Spock carefully stubbed the cigarette in the ashtray on the nightstand. "I was aware that you and your friends called me so. I have good hearing."
Jim felt his skin grow hot.
"It does not bother me," Spock said without any inflection. "People have called me worse."
"Great. Now I feel like a bigger dick."
Spock looked him, his expression unreadable. Jim squashed down the urge to squirm under his gaze and waited. He wasn't sure for what, but he waited.
"Before I learned your name, I had a nickname for you, as well."
Okay. That wasn't what he'd been expecting at all. "Yeah? What nickname?"
Spock's eyes flickered with humor. "The Doll."
Jim was torn between gaping in outrage and laughing. "Hey, not cool. Not cool at all."
Spock's lips twitched slightly. "It wasn't a conscious decision on my part. 'The doll' was what came to my mind when I first saw you."
Okay. Jim decided he was offended after all. "Why? If you say I have the personality of a doll, I swear I'll hurt you."
Spock's hand was stroking up and down his back, but Spock seemed far away. "When I was nine, my three-year-old cousin Brenda gave me a doll for my birthday. She was too young to understand that boys didn't play with dolls, so my mother made me accept the gift in order not to offend her."
Jim pressed his nose against Spock's tiny nipple. Nuzzled it. "And?"
"As I understand it, the doll was called 'Ken,' but I simply called it the Doll."
"And why did I remind you of it?"
"It had blond hair and blue eyes."
"Huh? There are plenty of blue-eyed blonds in California. Don't tell me you call all of them the Doll."
"I told you that it was not a conscious decision on my part."
"And where's the Doll now?"
A pause. "My father decided that I had become too attached to it and threw it away."
"I'm sorry?" Jim said, not sure what one was supposed to say in such a situation.
"It was only a doll, Jim," Spock said, dryly. "Please move yourself from me. I need to go to the bathroom."
He watched Spock get out of the bed and head to the bathroom. Spock didn't bother putting anything on; he didn't seem to be self-conscious about his body at all. And well, he certainly didn't have anything to be ashamed of—he was hiding a very nice body under those baggy clothes.
When the door shut behind Spock, Jim finally took the chance to survey his surroundings. Yeah, maybe it was weird that he'd spent a few hours here and was only now looking around, but when Spock was in the room, Jim couldn't concentrating on anything else. Christ, it was weird to be so fixated on the guy, he knew that, but his awareness of that didn't change a thing.
The room was nice—big, well-furnished and tidy but for the mess of their clothes all over the floor. Too tidy, actually. There were very few personal things lying around.
A single framed photograph of an attractive, smiling woman in her early thirties stood on the nightstand. She was dressed in a Starfleet uniform—Jim would recognize one anywhere—and was holding a toddler in her arms. The little boy sported pointy ears, a very familiar bowl cut, and was clad in a miniature science uniform.
Jim found himself smiling.
"Your mom?" he said, gesturing to the picture when Spock returned.
Spock glanced at it. "Yes."
"Well, I guess that explains why your name is Spock." Jim frowned. "Though it doesn't explain everything else. I mean, you can hardly change the fact that your parents gave you that name, but you kinda speak like Spock, and you even have the Vulcan stoic thing mastered. Do you have to have a bowl cut like Spock, too?" Jim chuckled. "Aren't you a bit too old to be a nice little boy for mommy and do as mommy says?"
Spock sat down on the bed and started dressing. "My mother is dead. She died five months ago."
Jim stared at his profile, feeling like the biggest dick on Earth. "I'm… Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know. Obviously."
Spock said nothing, the muscle in his jaw flexing once.
Jim eyed him for a few moments before sitting up. Tentatively, he reached out and touched his shoulder.
Spock stiffened under the touch. "I do not wish your pity."
"Hey, don't be stupid," Jim said, moving closer until his chest pressed against Spock's back. Wrapping his arms around his waist, Jim kissed the back of his neck. Then froze, pulled away, chuckled. "Look, I suck at this kind of thing, but I'm really sorry, and I promise I won't make fun of your bowl cut anymore."
Even though Spock's back was still to him, he could sense Spock relaxing. "That is a great relief," he said dryly, and Jim snorted. "And you are correct: you do suck at 'this kind of thing.'"
Jim grinned and leaned in to say into his ear. "But I'm awesome at sucking. Care for a demonstration again?"
Spock turned his head. Their eyes met. Jim felt heat pool in his stomach.
"A demonstration seems to be in order," Spock murmured before kissing him.
Jim sighed into his mouth. God, it wasn't normal how needy he still felt, even though he’d already come twice.
He tugged Spock down to the mattress with him.
He wanted him.
Captain_Fine: I had sex with Spock.
HyposAreGoodForTheSoul: Give me a minute to laugh my ass off. Jim Kirk and Spock. It's official: your life is a fanfic.
Captain_Fine: You done laughing?
HyposAreGoodForTheSoul: Not yet, but go on. And by the way, what happened to your resolve to stop sleeping around until Kaildth arrives at your doorstep and sweeps you away in his manly arms?
Captain_Fine: Shit, shut up. Don't remind me.
HyposAreGoodForTheSoul: So what happened to your resolve, kid?
Captain_Fine: Spock happened, I guess.
HyposAreGoodForTheSoul: I kinda want to meet the guy. He must be one hell of a looker.
Captain_Fine: Not really. But god, does he turn me on. Shit, Bones, we've had sex three times already and I'm sore as hell, but I can't stop touching him. Can't get enough.
HyposAreGoodForTheSoul: Whoa, hold on! Are you saying you're still at his place? It's night already!
Captain_Fine: Yeah, he's beside me. Dozed off a few minutes ago. I'm on my netbook now.
HyposAreGoodForTheSoul: You stayed for the night?!
Captain_Fine: Come on, don't look at me like that. I just lost track of time, okay? If you were in my place, you'd do it, too! Every time I tried to leave, the fucker kissed me, or touched me, or looked at me, and I forgot where the goddamn door was.
HyposAreGoodForTheSoul: Now I really wanna meet him.
Captain_Fine: You won't. It's just a one time thing. To get him out of my system so that I can concentrate on Kaildth.
HyposAreGoodForTheSoul: In my experience, the "getting out of the system" thing never works well. Don't forget to send me an invitation to the wedding.
Captain_Fine: You're particularly hilarious today.
Captain_Fine: Hey, Bones, can you give me the link to that zine again?
HyposAreGoodForTheSoul: Huh? You told me the other day you already downloaded it.
Captain_Fine: Yeah, but it's on my laptop at home.
HyposAreGoodForTheSoul: Hold on. You aren't at home?
Captain_Fine: I'm at Spock's.
HyposAreGoodForTheSoul: Well, well, well. I distinctly remember someone telling me yesterday that Spock was a one time thing.
Captain_Fine: Well, yeah. I swear I tried to keep it that way! I left his place this morning while he slept, and fuck, was that hard, and then went to my classes. When they were over, I really was going to go home, but then I saw him: his mouth, his eyes, his hands, and it was like, I dunno. Like all thoughts left my head. Like I'd die if I didn't feel him again, or something. It's so weird, I dunno.
HyposAreGoodForTheSoul: And you went back to his place.
Captain_Fine: Yeah. And had lots of mind-blowing sex. He was kind of pissed off that I left without saying a word to him. Well, he didn't tell me that—Spock doesn't talk about stuff like that—but it was obvious. To be honest, I think he's got some issues.
HyposAreGoodForTheSoul: Huh? What kind of issues?
Captain_Fine: I got the impression that his mom and he were very close, and he was devastated when she died. And maybe I'm wrong, but it looks like he and Governor Grayson are estranged at best, and Spock has no one else. He's kinda clingy over me.
HyposAreGoodForTheSoul: Shit, clingy? Okay, Jim, my advice to you: get the fuck out of there. Clingy isn't good. You said he was a creep, and if he's on top of that a clingy creep, get out while you can. For all you know, he might turn psycho on you.
Captain_Fine: No, it's not like that, Bones. And to be honest…I kind of like it.
HyposAreGoodForTheSoul: You kind of like it. You, who always ditches guys as soon as they get even a bit attached, like this guy's clinginess?
Captain_Fine: Okay, maybe 'clingy' is the wrong word. More like he's really intense, you know?
HyposAreGoodForTheSoul: No, I don't know, Jim. And I don't know what the hell is going on with you. You claim to be in love with one guy, and now you're gagging for another guy.
Captain_Fine: For fuck's sake, it's just SEX, Bones. I want Kaiidth, remember? I'm NOT gagging for Spock.
HyposAreGoodForTheSoul: Really? Because you could’ve fooled me. And the lady doth protest too much, me thinks.
…Captain_Fine is offline.
"What are you doing?" Spock said, looking over his shoulder.
Jim quickly closed the lid of his netbook and put in on the floor beside the bed.
"Just emailing a friend," he said, turning to lie on his back.
Propping himself up on an elbow, Spock stretched out beside him and looked down at him. He trailed a hand down Jim's chest until it wrapped loosely around his soft dick. The way he’d begun touching Jim's cock lately was strangely intimate—like it was something that belonged to him. Jim felt weird about it, but it wasn't the bad kind of weird.
Jim chuckled. "Are you kidding me? I came twice within an hour. There's no way I can get it up again anytime soon."
Spock didn't let go of his cock, eyeing him intently.
His expression made Jim a bit uncomfortable. "What?"
"You were not emailing a friend. If you were, you would not have been so nervous and worried about my seeing it."
"I really was emailing my friend. Not that it's any of your business."
Spock averted his gaze. "Were you emailing him?" he said, so evenly that it didn't even sound like a question.
Jim frowned, confused, before a slow grin stretched his lips. "You're jealous."
"I am not. I am merely…curious."
Jim examined his face, but couldn't tell if Spock was lying or not. "And what if I really was emailing him?"
Which he wasn't. Actually, Jim realized in dismay, he hadn't written Kaildth even once in the past week, so wrapped up in Spock that he was. Shit, Bones was right: he was so gaga for Spock it wasn't even funny.
The look Spock gave him made him shiver. "I do not share well."
Jim's dick twitched in Spock's hand. He forced a laugh. "Rich, spoiled boys and their toys, huh? I bet you didn't share your toys with other kids at kindergarten."
"I did not attend a kindergarten. For security reasons."
"Explains a lot," Jim muttered. It really did explain why Spock was so socially awkward.
"Who is he?" Spock said, stroking Jim's dick to full hardness. Really, it was disgusting how easily he accomplished it.
"Doesn't matter. You don't know him," Jim said, eyes closing. Spock had such clever hands. He loved them.
Spock stopped stroking him. "It matters," he said in a strange tone.
Jim opened his eyes to look at him. "Why?" Tell me you're jealous. Tell me how much you want me.
Jim did his best to shove away stupid, illogical thoughts. He didn't want Spock to say any of those things. They would only make things complicated. And they would also mean that they were over.
Spock looked straight into his eyes. "Because I do not understand. You could have anyone you wanted. Why are you with me…and not with that individual? I do not understand how he might not want you. I can understand that he may not like your personality, but physically, you are--"
"Wow, thanks," Jim said. Though he didn't want to admit it, Spock's words cut deeply, more than he would have expected. He wasn't sure when, exactly, Spock's opinion on him started to matter, but apparently it did. A great deal.
Spock gave him a look that never failed to make Jim uncomfortable; he always felt like Spock could see right into his soul when he looked at him like that. "I am not saying that you have an unbearable personality, Jim. In fact, I found you to be more tolerable than I expected. I'm simply saying that, like everyone, you have personality flaws, and those may not be to that individual's liking."
"And are they to your liking?" Jim blurted out without thinking.
Their gaze held for what felt like ages.
"I was not aware it mattered to you whether I liked your personality or not," Spock said slowly.
Jim licked his lips. "But do you?"
"I'm not certain." Spock's eyes travelled down his body, lingering on Jim's half-hard cock in his hand before returning to his face. "My physical desire for you might be influencing me more than I think."
Jim found himself grinning. "Is that a yes?"
Spock stared at him. "Maybe," he said before leaning down to kiss his smiling lips.
Still smiling, Jim wrapped all his limbs around Spock and kissed back.
"Let's have boring, vanilla sex for once, hmm?" he murmured against Spock's lips.
Spock went still before pulling back a little to look at him. Then he pressed a feather-light kiss to Jim's lower lip. "I'm amenable to your suggestion," he said softly before rolling onto his back and pulling Jim on top of him.
"You guys go ahead. I'll catch up with you later," Jim told his friends and walked quickly towards the lone figure sitting under the big tree at the far end of the quad. If Jim hadn't been looking for Spock, he probably wouldn't have noticed someone sitting there.
Not that he was looking for him that hard. He was just horny and wanted to make out; that was all.
"Hey," Jim said, straddling Spock's thighs. Wrapping his arms around his neck, he kissed Spock, open-mouthed and wet. Mmm. So good.
"Why are you hiding here?" he asked breathlessly when they pulled apart to get some air.
A corner of Spock's lips twitched up. "Has it not occurred to you that perhaps I was hiding from you?"
Grinning, Jim poked his tongue out. "Yeah right. You can't get enough of me and you know it, baby."
Spock gave him an odd look.
Jim laughed a bit too loudly. His face felt hot. "All right, quit looking at me like that. I was just fucking with you. Not gonna call you that again. Sorry if I offended you or something."
Spock's expression changed slightly, and suddenly Jim found himself on his back and Spock was kissing him hard, mouth almost cruel.
"Mom, come on, I'm twenty-two, not twelve," Jim said into the phone, grimacing. "So what if I didn't call for two weeks? It doesn't mean I'm dead and lying in a pool of my own vomit. Oh, come on, you know I don't do drugs. Yes, still gay. How's dad? Yeah, okay. Love you, too." Dropping his phone down to the floor beside the bed, Jim snuggled back to Spock. "Women," he muttered into Spock's neck. "That's why I don't do women. Mmm, you're so warm."
"I thought it was because women lacked one part of anatomy you are so fond of," Spock said, pulling him closer and covering them both with a blanket.
Jim chuckled. "Well, that too," he murmured and, snuggling against Spock's warmth, dozed off.
A little while later, his phone went off again.
"You take it," Jim grumbled sleepily.
"You will have to let go of me first," Spock said with amusement in his voice.
"Don't wanna," Jim muttered into Spock's neck, tightening his arms around him. "Cold. Stay in bed with me."
"But it might be something important, Jim."
"Nothing is more important than keeping me warm."
"We will have to get up in an hour anyway to attend our classes," Spock said, his fingers playing with Jim's hair idly. Mmm, it was nice.
"We already missed classes three times this week. It is highly irresponsible."
Jim scowled. He didn't want to go to class. It wasn't like he'd been doing anything productive in them anyway, since all he could think about during class was—
Jim rolled out of the bed. "On second thought, let's go to class."
Ignoring Spock's obvious confusion, he started dressing.
Today, he would be productive in class even if it killed him. He wasn't going to count minutes until he could get back into Spock's arms.
Nope, he so wasn't.
"…so Tracy is all, 'I don't put out on the first date, I'm not that kind of girl,' and I'm like, 'But don't you like me, Babe?' And she's like, 'Of course,' so I kissed her and led her to my bedroom. You can probably guess the rest."
"Dude, are you even listening to me?"
"Uh huh," Jim said, watching Spock write down what Professor Higgins was saying. Jim was pretty sure Spock was the only student in the room who bothered actually taking notes in this class. He was such a geek, god.
"So when I went down on Tracy, her pussy turned into a cock and I ended up with a mouth full of dick. Man, I was grossed out and tried to pull away, but she held my head down and forced me to suck it, chanting 'suck that dick, you love this dick, you cocksucker—’"
Jim's head whipped around. "Wait, what?"
Gary cracked up. "Got your attention, didn't it?"
Rolling his eyes, Jim turned back. "I always knew you were secretly gagging for dick, but keep your dirty fantasies to yourself, would you? My innocent virgin ears."
"Oh shut it, you fag," Gary sad affectionately. "I'm not the one who's gagging for dick here. Dude, you stopped being obvious a week ago, and now you're just downright embarrassing."
Jim went still, forcing his eyes off Spock. "I don't know what you mean."
He felt Gary's eyes on him. "You sure do, Jim. I've never seen you so whipped."
Jim snorted a laugh. "Whipped? Oh fuck off."
"Laugh all you want, Jim, but it's getting obvious to everyone. Even Rick noticed you mooning over the Cree—Spock—and Rick doesn't even know about you fucking him."
"Why is it so hard to grasp that it's just sex?!" Jim exploded.
The classroom went completely silent, every student turning to look at him.
"Mr. Kirk, if you are done enlightening the class that you're having a meaningless sexual affair, I would appreciate if you refrained from shouting in my class in the future," Professor Higgins said coldly.
His cheeks burning, he nodded and tried to catch Spock's eyes, but Spock turned away before he could.
Jim stared at his back for the rest of the period.
Spock didn't turn around.
Wiping his palms off on his jeans, Jim rang the bell.
Even through the door, he could hear the muffled sound of approaching footsteps. Could hear Spock stop.
The door stayed closed.
"Spock, open the door. Please." He forced out a chuckle. "Come on, don't be such a drama queen."
Not a single sound.
"Come on. Please. Let me in."
Spock opened the door but blocked the way, his face unreadable.
He was still wearing the same clothes he wore for class. "Why?"
"What do you mean, 'why'? Let me in."
"Why do you wish to come in? For what purpose?"
Jim opened his mouth, then closed it.
Spock's lips thinned. "I see." He started to shut the door.
Jim forced his way in. "No, Spock—I want—"
Spock grabbed him by the collar. "You know what the problem is?" He slammed the door shut and pushed Jim against it, ignoring his startled grunt. "It always appears to be about what you want. You think only of your own desires and needs, disregarding those of other individuals. You are here for physical copulation you desire. It's the only thing you want, is it not?"
"Spock, come on, it's not—"
"Indeed?" Spock's grip on Jim's shoulders almost hurt now. "You were rather adamant about it when you informed the entire class of the fact."
Jim couldn't say anything.
Spock's lips twisted into something awful. "At least you were honest that I was not good enough for you to be anything more than a meaningless fling while you wait for that perfect individual you claim to love."
"I don't 'claim' anything," Jim grit out, suddenly pissed off. He wasn't even sure why, but something about Spock's words rubbed him the wrong way—though technically, Spock was saying the truth…right?
"Do you not?" Spock said, cocking his head. His glare seemed to penetrate him. "To tell the truth, I am not entirely convinced that person even exists. I am half-inclined to think that you invented him, or invented the love you feel for him."
Jim laughed. "You're crazy. Why would I do that?"
"I do not know," Spock said, his voice going quiet and thoughtful. "Perhaps because you are scared to love someone. Perhaps because it is safe for you to 'love' someone unattainable, and you cling to that 'love' because it gives you the perfect reason not to enter into any real relationships."
When Jim said nothing—could say nothing—Spock continued, "I was wrong about you in the beginning. You do not intentionally play with others' hearts because you enjoy breaking them. Now I think you do it because you are afraid to break yours." He eyed Jim for a moment. "Who has done it to you, Jim?"
His chest tight, Jim swallowed the huge lump that had lodged in his throat. "No one. And fuck you, Spock. You know shit about me. And you have the gall to accuse me of using you for sex—you, whose first words to me were that you want to have sex with me, you fucking hypocrite!"
"Perhaps I am a hypocrite," Spock said, pressing his face against Jim's cheek. Hot breaths brushed Jim's ear. "But I am not afraid to admit that I was wrong. And I do not lie to myself about what I want." He gave a hot, open-mouthed kiss to the side of Jim's face. "And all I want is—"
"—you," Spock finished, ignoring him. He kissed below Jim's ear. "I wish to have you in my bed, go to sleep with you in my arms and wake up to the sight of you snoring and drooling on my chest. I wish to go to sleep knowing that tomorrow you still will be there. I do not want to be a meaningless fling anymore—"
"Shut up." Jim felt like he was suffocating. "Shut. Up. You fucking ruined everything. I don't fucking want this—I—I—If you think there's going to be a sappy moment where I admit that I love you, then you're a fucking idiot, Spock. I love someone else—I fucking told you that. And you know what, Spock?" When Spock pulled back a little to look at his face, Jim met his eyes and said, "I pity you."
Jim chuckled. "You think you're the first one to develop some feelings for me after a few weeks of sex? Well, you aren't. And other guys were as delusional as you, but at least they weren't pathetic enough to come up with some insane theory about the poor, heartbroken Jim who's afraid to fall in love again. Pathetic. You're fucking pathetic."
Spock's expression went stony. "Pathetic," he repeated, and something about that tone of his made Jim want to blurt out I'm sorry, please don't hurt, I didn't want to hurt you. He squashed down the urge. It was for the best. They were over. He couldn't return whatever feelings Spock had for him, so it was better for Spock to remember him as a heartless dick.
"I am pathetic to you," Spock flatly. "Did you think I was pathetic when you begged me to take you? When you snuggled against me for hours, refusing to let go even when you were asleep?"
Jim wet his lips, his breathing elevating. "I never denied that you were good in the sack. You're awesome at sex, no lie there. But that's it."
Spock stared at him for a moment.
"From now on, you will have to find someone else to entertain you in bed." He let go of Jim and stepped back. "Leave."
Jim swallowed, his gut churning. It wasn't that it was unexpected; he always broke it off with other guys at this point, and besides, he had pushed Spock to do this.
He stared at Spock—at his carefully blank, stoic face, at the thin, sensual lips, at the usually expressive eyes currently void of emotion—and thought, this can't be it.
He didn't want it to be.
What he wanted was to cover the distance between them and bury himself in Spock's arms, feel him all over: in him, over him, underneath him. Just feel him.
As if out of their own volition, his feet moved. Not to the door. To Spock.
Spock gave him a cold look, his hands clasped behind his back. "I told you to leave. Leave."
"I know," Jim said, coming to a halt only when their shoes touched. Licked his lips. Put a hand on Spock's neck, felt Spock tense. "Can I kiss you? For the last time?" Please.
Spock's eyes widened slightly before narrowing. "I cannot believe your audacity. Step away from me."
Ignoring his words, Jim wrapped his arms around Spock's waist and leaned against his rigid frame. "I know—I'm a selfish dick." He pressed his lips against Spock's neck. Breathed in. God. Kissed again.
"Leave," Spock said, but his voice broke on the word. His chest was heaving. "Let me go, Jim. Please."
"I'm being an asshole, I know," Jim whispered, kissing Spock's neck in frantic, needy kisses. "But I want you. Come on, please. Just once, then I'll get the fuck out of your life."
Spock made a strange, hoarse sound before grabbing his head and kissing him hard, all tongue, teeth and seeking lips.
The rest was a blur. Just the sensation of insane want and need burning under his skin, in his dick, in his mind, in his kisses and Spock's touch. Every nerve of his body felt bored out, his skin aflame everywhere Spock touched. Hands tugging then ripping the clothes off, touching and groping, squeezing. Mouth biting, sucking and covering him in angry, bruising kisses. A sharp pain as a hastily lubed-up cock breached him. His own voice, sounding wrecked as Spock fucked him hard without a hint of restraint—like a mindless, raging animal that hurt and wanted to hurt.
Jim came, hugging Spock tightly to himself, clinging to him as Spock climaxed inside him, his entire body shaking.
They hadn't used a condom.
Jim didn't give a fuck.
For a little while, the room was absolutely silent but for the sound of their harsh breathing.
"I'm sorry," Jim whispered, laying a damp kiss to Spock's sweaty shoulder.
Spock stiffened and rolled off him. He got up and started dressing, his movements jerky and angry. "Leave," he said, the flatness of his voice contradicting with the angry vibe he was giving off. "Now."
He turned away and wouldn't look at Jim.
Ignoring the protests of his bruised body, Jim got to his feet on weak knees and did as he'd been told.
It was probably the most selfless thing he had done in his life.